hellcyon

I Don't Want You Now

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 23:21:33 GMT

Leave a comment and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

i think i actually did this before. hm.

The Beast and Dragon, Adored

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 16:34:11 GMT

(gacked from everywhere.)

These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users (as of today, 30 September 2007). As usual, bold what you have read, italicise what you started but couldn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. Add an asterisk to those you've read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion*
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses (sigh. A book I will admire from afar for now.)
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin *
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods funnily enough, given i m a gaiman fan
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Alias Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha*
Middlesex
Quicksilver (I did like his Cryptonomicon)
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West -> watched it though
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood : A True Account of a Multiple Murder and Its Consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers*

BROTHERS IN ARMS

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 18:00:58 GMT

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is:
Nearly Headless Nick loses all magical powers in a very sexy scene
Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

Manic Street Preachers - Rendition

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 01:59:47 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq1_6D9QS9Y

awww yeah primeeee.

two days ago there was a recounciliation of sorts between childhood and adulthood; i caught transformers with ryan ervin and sly and when the transforming sound came out, i went awww yeah; megan fox appeared and i went AWW YEAHHH and when prime transformed and peter cullum spoke, i went OH BABEHHHH but somehow no one quite seemed to share my enthusiasm rawr :( ;_;

there has seemed to be closure on most levels, i say superficially, sweepingly, fecklessly, but sometimes these are the best methods to go by and i suppose, maybe, just maybe i can finally move on.

but not before i purchase my last prime :D

letters from an occupant

Wed, 09 May 2007 01:43:54 GMT

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhsdljhnfldhfhjasdfldhfsadhfadhfkdhfksdhfjhPFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT

STOP THIS NONSENSE PAK

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 02:53:17 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBxV4tku6_A

WTF POLEMIC?!?! POLEMIC?!?!?! I HAD TO DICTIONARY.COM IT!! CRISTIANO'S RONALDO'S ENGLISH IS BETTER THAN MINE?!?!??!?! wah lawwwwwwwwww

-runs to a corner and dies-

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 23:07:42 GMT

WTF LIVERPOOL WON ARSENAL 4 -1 ?!?!?!?!

WTFFF PETER CROUCH HAT TRICK?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 00:15:21 GMT

http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=114">'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

wtf.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 16:23:49 GMT

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

omg

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

today a bird

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

LAID AN EGG

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

on me

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

ON ME

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

WHILE FLYING PAST THE OVER HEAD BRIDGE

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

OMGGGGG

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

GGXXXXX

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

i wanted to cry

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

...

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

........

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

it flew by and an egg droppedon yourhead?

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

YEAH

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

AND IT CRACKED

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

HAHAHAH

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

LIKE WTF

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

HAHAHAHAHAH

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

NEW BAG

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

NEW UNIFORM

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

sorry

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

let me bim now

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

WTF

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

...

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

....

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

where got so suay one

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

bird shit i can

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

understand

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

wtf

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

BIRD EGG??

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

can i post this on lj

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

HAHAHHA

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

IT S FUCKING FUNNY

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

yes

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

whatever

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

wtf there was EGGSHELL

are you sure you don't want to install this update? says:

BLOODY EGGSHELL

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 15:55:09 GMT

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

wtf

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

singapore

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

11 - 0?!?!?!?!

Debbie says:

haha wait what score is this?

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

http://soccernet.espn.go.com/report?id=212289&cc=5739

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:

rugby.

Debbie says:

cheh i thought soccer

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 00:46:25 GMT

holy fuck, i've just witnessed the best starcraft game in my life, and it is..it is absolutely breathtaking. the tactical nous, the micromanagement, the macromanagement, and the reaction speed were nothing short of amazing; each was countering each other's tactics at the very instant they were implemented and they managed to actually predict each other's moves and devise a countermeasure! like srsly wtgfhggxxpwned. the strats were like this, terran vs zerg:

1. terran marines, camped at chokepoint. but zerglings still overpowered them.
2. medics come out. terran rushes and meets zerg ground defence. techs to siege, sends siege to bomb zerg BUT ZERG HAS MUSTAS.
3. zerg backstabs. BUT MISSLE TURRETS WERE AWAITING.
4. guardians came, terran survived on micro skillz. at the same time sent spams of marines medics at zerg expansion and rapes.
5. terran has science vessel, but zerg spams guardians at pesky points and continues expanding.
6. terran comes out with cloaking wraiths, hunts overlords.
7. zerg spams guardians in a last attempt to kill terran's expansion. all died, but terran regroups fast.
8. terran rushes, zerg has guardians in shadow to kill initial rush, but then wraiths come in. ggxx.

LIKE WHAT THE HELL. okay, you ll have to see it but omg trust me when i say it s the best because i m not even 1/4 of their skill and i've always prided all along my sc skills. and i was like, omg respect mate, and he went, of course, KOREANS MAN.

sure as hell wasn't a myth.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 20:15:07 GMT

i met him twice in two days, both when the swiss' clockwork scheduling of train rides came to an end. he's a sailor, he's 20, he lives life more freely than most i've seen but next year he's going to the army and we both chorused "fuck."



HAHAHA an epick story lies behind.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 00:30:32 GMT

1. How old do you wish you were? 19

2. Where were you when 9/11 happened? at home on the phone with colin trying to get chemistry prelims out of the way.

3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? stomp on it. it usually works.

4. Do you consider yourself kind? sometimes.

5. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? an ankh on my left deltoid or upper back

6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? french for convenience sake. but i will never get it because "i have a bad ear" as tamara puts it.

7. Do you know your neighbours? no.

8. What do you consider a vacation? now actually. haha to be able to wake up at 2 pm in the afternoon, grab a book and read it in my duvet with coffee or tea nearby, watch the sky turn orange red brown and black, go out into the snow and watch it fall and play basketball in an indoor court. come back soak yourself in a hot bath, sit outside your room and watch the stars.

9. Do you follow your horoscope? if it happens it happens.

10. Would you move for the person you love? depends.

11. Are you touchy-feely? yes. cutting it down these days though.

12. Do you believe that opposites attract? depends.

13 is missing. i don't know. elliot smith sang a cover of that song though.

14. Favourite tv channels? espnmotion.

15. Favourite place to go on weekends? burrow into my bed.

16. Showers or baths? baths. but that's only cause i don't get them often, so it's natural selection by unfamilarity.

17. Do you paint your nails? once upon a time long long ago.

18. Do you trust people easily? too easily too quickly too foolishly.

19. What are your phobias? cigarette smoke.

20. Do you want kids? if the world isn't completely fucked by then, 3.

21. Do you keep a handwritten journal? you'll never find it.

22. Where would you rather be now? in singapore with my grandma and all my books.

23. Who makes you warm and fuzzy? i don't know. nothing much these days.

24. Heavy or light sleeper? dumbass question.

25. Are you paranoid? no point thinking so much these days, if it happens it happens haha.

26. Are you impatient? depends on how much sleep i ve had.

27. Who can you relate to? jesley jac and risse i guess.

28. How do you feel about interracial couples? love knows no boundaries. (and neither does lust)

29. Have you been burned by love? krispy.

30. What's your pick-up line? i don't have one. i don't know how the whole damned thing works see ;p clrly GUILELESS.

31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile? these days, it's on permanent silence.

32. What were you doing at midnight last night? serving people drinks and screaming aerosmith with mate from england.

33. What did the last text on your mobile say? "I AM NOT CURSING YOU" from chutz

34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? mine lar.

35. What colour shirt are you wearing? hwach colours (y)

36. Most recent movie you watched? crash, after weilin gave it to me for my present. i teared three times in front of a russian and a polish. fuxed.

37. Name three things you have on at all times? heart on a sleeve. underwear. uh. uh. an ankh pendant when i get one.

38. What colour are your bedsheets? white. or is it beige. hmm.

39. How much cash do you have right now? 60 chfs.

40. What's your favourite part of the chicken? drumstick and breast, depending on how healthy i want to be that day.

41. What's your favourite town/city? singapore and montreux. fine, i cheated.

42. I can't wait 'til: 14/12/06 and uh, 20/07/07?

43. What did you have for dinner last night? 3 chicken breasts, 1 pork shish kebab, a bit of rice, 1 ham and cheese cutlet, 1/3 a tiramisu, 1 waffle without any sauce, 1 coffee, 1 pack of fries, 1 chicken burger 1 glass of sprite. i didn't have lunch, in my defence.

44. How tall are you barefoot? 171.5cm. knn. smallest guy in the basketball team whee.

45. Do you own a gun? no.

46. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? hot water.

47. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? in amerika working my ass off not having a social life not having someone to love because i know i will not get any gymming everyday playing basketball once a week and forgetting how to write and that i no longer have a soul.

48. Last thing you ate? uh chicken burger with fries and sprite.

49. What songs do you sing in the shower? anything that i like.

50. Last thing that made you laugh? "so, do you want anymore vodka." "NO." (said the russian) "okay then dude." -silence- "are you REALLY SURE" "actually no. AWW HELL WHY NOT ONE MORE PLEASE"

51. Worst injury you ever had? uh, bilateral achilles tendinitis i guess.

52. Does someone have a crush on you? yeah right.

53. What's your favourite candy? lindt chocolate intense thin.

54. What song do you want played at your funeral? k's choice shadowman. or jeff buckley's hallelujah. or elliot smith's miss misery.

55. Eight people to do this? anyone that can be bothered. oh wait, DEBBIE SOON AND HANXIN AND SIEWCH AGAIN. cause they re damn inactive here lar

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:07:03 GMT

OMG SHOULD I GO TO THE FAT DUCK WHEN I GO TO LONDON?! i mean, it's like 90 pounds (TWO HUNDRED AND FUCKING SEVENTY SING DOLLARS; i can buy a damned DUNHILL SHIRT WITH IT) and i have been stinging like hell the past few months so every single conscious cell of me screams out at this complete betrayal; and then part of me screams, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO LONDON, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO SECOND BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD, HOW OFTEN WILL YOU GET TO TRY SOMETHING BY HESTON BLUMENTHAL, who has brains the size of god, really huge balls, and i am in a quandary. read the site, scrutinise it and then tell me because they have a 2 month waiting list zzzz

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:42:50 GMT

coming out of the fucking shell, gg ftw.

Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included.

1. i like 2 ams everywhere.
2. i wished i could have perfect eyesight and hence play rugby! CRUNCHING TACKLES MMM. oh well, field soccer ftw.
3. i love zaraki kenpachi mmmm mangod.
4. i always bathe before i sleep, no matter what i do.
5. i haven't dotaed in 2 months; i may probably lose to some people i don't expect to.
6. why isn't there seven points!!!!!!!

tagged: KARENLY, TINY HOH, veronika, le0nard hohohoho, siewch (just to get her out of her dormant state. if it even works) and hanxin.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 22:56:23 GMT

One. Think of 15 short bits of interesting stuff about yourself. And they’ve gotta be true.
Two. Come up with 5 false statements regarding yourself, but for fun's sake keep them in the threshold of believability.
Three. Jumble them all up together and list them in any order.
Four. Post them on LJ and let people guess which the five false ones are!
Five. Get 5 others to do the same.

1. i love fatty meat mmm.
2. my favourite local band is ronin.
3. i love watching tvb serials.
4. i love standing in the rain at 2 am in the morning.
5. i have been a deist all my life.
6. i was among the tallest in my class.
7. i spent half my life listening to chinese music.
8. i replayed the movies i watched by revisualising them scene by scene before i slept on the day i caught them.
9. i love writing emails.
10. i played computer games on a daily basis from jc onwards.
11. i have been gymming since sec 4.
12. i have sent 2000 smses in a month before.
13. i got my first phone in j2.
14. i intend to die by jumping.
15. my eyesight deproved by 100 degrees a semester for 3 straight years.
16. i first said i love you to this girl when i was 17.
17. i get paranoid and insecure of myself all the time.
18. good songs appeal to you from the start.
19. i loved aimee mann when i first heard her.
20. my parents used to hug me all the time.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 19:34:52 GMT

and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
i bought my pail, a cooking..container
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
and yeah man gg
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
oh
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
and two scoops of movenpick mm
°weetzie bat crop-circles in the carpet. says:
whoaaa
°weetzie bat crop-circles in the carpet. says:
a pail?
°weetzie bat crop-circles in the carpet. says:
you eat from a pail?
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
no no.
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
my pail COMMA, A COOKING CONTAINER
and stars hang like pretty teenagers, waiting for their chance says:
AND
°weetzie bat crop-circles in the carpet. says:
hahaa
°weetzie bat crop-circles in the carpet. says:
what do you cook in a pail

GG SIR.

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:25:08 GMT

1. one book which you have read more than once: the great gatsby. it's whimsical, pretty and demonstrates the inexorable power of love.

2. one book you want on a deserted island: LOTR because well it will last me quite some time and i will NOT think of being on a deserted island. i am clrly deluding myself roflol

3. one book that made you laugh: catch-22 because heller is brilliant in mocking the greatest joke of the 20st century, the world war.

4. one book that made you cry: any story about fatal doomed love because i am a sap that way. love in the time of cholera for one.

5. one book you wish you had written: the blind assassin by atwood because her imageries are really magnificent.

6. one book you wish had never been written: pratchett stuff cause they really try too hard.

7. one book you are currently reading: the great gatsby actually roflol.

8. one book you have been meaning to read: haha there's too many. satanic verses, time's arrow, enduring love argh good grief!

9. one book that changed your life: gaiman's stardust because it is lyrical prose at an age where i previously didn't value the prettiness of it.

10. tag 5 people: lis, karen, tiny hoh, jesley (when you read this!) and sharlene.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:04:45 GMT

meme from samsim

Comment on this entry and:

1. I’ll respond with something random about you
2. I’ll challenge you to try something
3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog

hoorei.

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 17:33:43 GMT

i'm a bloody old sodding git now innit.

and how is it like to be 21? like any other day i guess, except i guess i really love my mom for everything she's done for me, for jac for being such a dear, to the tiny hoh for being the first to wish me good health for old age and any and everyone else who have tolerated me for the past 2 decades of my existence. jac said she wldnt be too presumptous to say that today marked the beginning of the rest of my life, and i thought, but heyy, that isnt such a bad saying! but now i think, the 24th july 2006 just marks the continuation for the rest of my life; some things have to be changed, some things should just lie where they are, and some people should regain a drive they have previously lost, if only not to fail people's expectations of said person, and because really sometimes potential should really be fulfilled.

happy birthday pak. don't fuck up again.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:49:22 GMT

Go to your iTunes playlist and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1. What do you think of me, iTunes?
All In Your Mind - Beck (okay, sir.)

2. Will I have a happy life?
The Sun - Maroon 5 (i take that as a no.)

3. What do my friends really think of me?
My Lady Story - Antony and the Johnsons (so i'm a wuss lar.)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
I Can't Cook - Ublues (no again.)

5. What does [insert significant other] think of me?
I Did It My Way - Sid Vicious

6. How can I make myself happiest?
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5 (wtf are all the maroon 5s coming out.)

7. What should I do with my life?
Beautiful Way - Beck (how shuffled is shuffle?!)

8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Same - Snow Patrol (so i busk in sadness and pain.)

9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Wires - Athlete (HAHAHA)

10. Will I ever have children?
Real Bad News - Aimee Mann (knn.)

11. Will I die happy?
Sleeping With A Gun Under My Pillow - The Boy Least Likely To Be Loved (oh dear me.)

12. Can you give me some good advice?
A Time To Be So Small - Interpol (lol)

13. Do you know where your children are?
Get Gone - Fiona Apple

14. What do you think happiness is?
You're The Reason I'm Leaving - Franz Ferdinand

oh dear me, i think i'm quite positively fucked.

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 18:10:26 GMT

i should stop starting my posts with the time because they'll invariably be the same, sometime in the morning between one to three and they'll inevitably be morose sad and maudlin. i've reached this point in my life where things repeat themselves in a cyclical fashion and sometimes i wish i could have an amnesia set on an annual basis where the new year would simply mark a reset button and i would wake up with a fresh slate, an empty parchment and maybe i might just have more enthusiasm in the life i was leading. but it's so hard these days, really.
-------------------

the euphoria from monday has died down; it lasted for two days and i suppose that that's the maximum i can maintain a sustained period of absolute joy. but it doesn't last, nothing does and there's so many times i wonder if people don't talk behind my back and laugh oh haha that's pak, he thinks he's vaguely intelligent but seriously he's just a dumb and gullible nincompoop.

my inner insecurities speak the truth sometimes, maybe all the times.
-------------------

it is the fifth day of the track competition, and today has been a fabulous day for the juniors. there was once upon a time when i could have held my own against them, but these days i m nothing but fodder, a combination of non training and bilateral achilles tendinitis and there's nothing i hate more about the army than that. it's a lifetime's worth of dreams gone, and i will forever live with 11.8 secs as my personal best and there is nothing more pathetic than that. there is an immense sense of rage and hopelessness and i think i should just sleep in a corner of my bed tonight.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 22:28:26 GMT

it is raining now at 6.11 a.m in the morning and i just came back from ailin's place, and france lost and nothing depresses me more than zizou being sent off in extra time. why did he do it, honestly because most people who headbutt others are young impetuous fools who remain ignorant of their mortality but for zizou, it was his swansong, his final match, the last day he would kick a ball for a competitive cause ever so what was it that materazzi said that spurred him to such an action? france lost but they didn't deserve to, because they created the better chances, malouda raided bravely on the left while henry just trotted around the field like a primma donna would. these days i can't stand thierry henry because he believes himself to be above that of his team, above that of a common cause and he refuses to battle which for me, in my very naive and idealistic opinion, is absolutely the worst sort of competitors of all because you simply are not competiting and for all the talents that you may have, that is simply a sham.

and maybe funnily enough, that may be used to describe me because i could have battled for a scholarship, for an overseas place that would have allowed my mom a better life but i didn't because i was slothful and i believed myself to be invincible when i wasn't. and these days my mother has to pay literally for my sins and sometimes there is too much guilt; sometimes i should be consumed for my inadequacies and unmotivation.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 21:41:06 GMT

and because i feel i owe a certain responsibility to this piece of cyber territory, i am obliged to copy and paste:

Sunday, June 18, 2006

this probably isn't the first time, but events i encounter usually remind me of dreams i previously had and it is almost uncanny how true they were. i remembered how once upon a time i dreamt that i had mixed up a food order and i had to fork out an enormous sum of compensation and that happened yesterday; i dreamt of my camp once and that it was a depressing place; i dreamt of my results and it wasn't pleasant either and for some reason it is the shitty stuff that i think of in my sleep that goes through the realm of the dreaming to the physical. and so i wonder, how will i end and if i will actually know about them before they actually happen because in that case what's life with predictability even though you may have forgotten about them.
------------------------------

"To carry on our crossbar a girl you so desire and be so far from her as not to be able even to fall in love with her: carry her on your crossbar along Viale Goriza to help her blong to someone else, and vanish from my life."

The Periodic Table - Primo Levi

i do not think there exists a greater agony than this because it is sad and maudlin and utterly depressing but i believe that when that day arrives i will be the cyclist even though i do not know how to cycle because sometimes all that matters is making the woman of your dreams happy. this sounds sad and heroically pretentious but there honestly isn't any way around it.

i just told sharlene that one day i shall die from empathy and perhaps in retrospect it is the best way to go.
-----------------------------

it's been a terribly fucked up day; a misplaced order culminated in a domino-like effect of orders and compensations which resulted in me forking out 100 dollars just because a customer walked away; and god only knows how long it has been since i last spent a hundred in a day because i simply do not have that sort of amount in my bank allowance any more. three boxes of comics, novels, cds, food and handphone usage over the past four years have whittled it all away and so folks the moral of the story is that you should never spend all your money until you're 21 and you know what's good to spend on.

i cried at 11.45 p.m in front of edward because what he said was right, that if didnt learn my lesson now (cause and effect results of the service industry) and that when i started working and i made a mistake, it would invariably result in my family being implicated because it would then compromise the reputation of my hotel and hence dragging them down with me when i got fired and sued, i somehow instinctively thought of the bastard wanker and i just couldn't take it. truth edward spoke he did and troth but in a way i am grateful i've made this mistake now but while part of me felt that the fine was deservedly so, i cant but instinctively feel i was made a scapegoat for some of the food the gm assumed was my fault when it wasn't; it was a mix up of two tables, one an irate one and the other just a stupid bunch of kids who just weren't magnanimous enough. so alright fuck them, fuck the leavers, fuck this world and fuck me for making myself so poor in the first place. oh and fuck the gm too, even though i know he's right which makes it infinitely more irritating; i don't deserve ALL of the fine, and some judge of fairness should agree with me.

i didn't even eat any of the food i paid, for crying out loud. and it was like, 1 seafood platter, 2 pork ribs, 1 shrimp and mussels pizza oh wow ftw indeed.

thank god for friends though, much <3 to jac and kox and viv and jan who were great company even though i like, broke my nail on a couch at loof like zomgwtfbbq?! much love to jac again for waiting for me and the same to mister matsuo; we didn't understand each other much but hell yeah professionalism ftw pls.

it is 3.24 a.m, i am spent and exhausted so maybe before i leave i will leave behind a song.

if i am lost for a day; try and find me
but if i don't come back, then i won't look behind me
all of the things that i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day
december is the darkest and june is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
while out on the landing a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night
calendar girl whos in love with the world stay alive
calendar girl whos in love with the world stay alive
i dreamed i was dying; as i so often do
and when i awoke i was sure it was true
i ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
but i can't live forever,i can't always breath
one day i'll be sand on a beach by a sea
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost
calendar girl who is lost to the world
stay alive
calendar girl who is lost to the world stay alive
january,february,march,april,may i'm alive
june,july,august,september,october i'm alive
november,december,yah all through the winter, i'm alive
i'm alive

Calendar Girl - Stars

a band called stars is probably cliched and tacky but honestly their musick is anything unlike their name; i wanted to post up charlemagne but i cannot find the lyrics to their poem and i think i've found a band that has as lovely a name as rufus wainwright and rachael yamagata, so what is it, name collecting on an annual basis?

i honestly don't know and i am thoroughly weary. good night.

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 15:13:52 GMT

zomfgwtfbbq
this was supposed to be used for the previous post but it clearly wasn't meant to be. -.-